Hide ‘N Seek

Remember the childhood game of hide ‘n seek? You’d find a place to hide and the seeker counts to 100 and for those 100 plus seconds you could not be found. Your heart would beat faster with the thrill of being undiscovered for however long it took. 

What is it that you do today to feel this same feeling, connecting you to the present moment where no one can find you? 

I am betting you don’t feel that awesome feeling very often. I know I don’t. With our phones by our sides we can always be found or gotten to. Stress is but a few seconds away or worse, it’s with us constantly as we await that next text or call. 

In yoga and meditation we practice being in the now, or as Ram Dass says, “Be Here Now”. Calmly we go deep within ourselves, breathing consciously and allowing ourselves to hide out from the rest of the world. It’s our time to do this.  But that’s only for about an hour if joining a class, or shorter yet, with a 10 minute guided meditation. 

We all know friends who when we golf or dine out with them they leave their phones on, light- side- up, as they await a call or text from another friend or a needy family member. Clearly, they are not “on call” to do emergency heart surgery, but they want to feel relevant, needed, important, and thus the phone is always by their sides. Your time with them comes second to whomever they anticipate a call from. When you call them out on it they have their rationalization: “Oh, I’m waiting to see if my son got his car fixed, or my daughter is having a hard time with her break up.” 

There will never be a time when everyone you know is safely in place and would not have a need to call upon you, that’s pure fantasy. But as my pediatrician used to ask me when I’d worry about something silly concerning a child, “Do you want to live in that space?” My answer was always, “No I don’t”.

Most things don’t require an immediate response. Remember that a major cause of stress is feeling you are “on call”.  By eliminating this major cause of stress you are helping yourself profoundly. 

A side benefit to not quickly responding to friends and family is that you are training them, teaching others that your time is not all about responding fast. You might be doing other things, off line. 

So how do you go about protecting that “unfound” time for yourself ? This requires leaving your phone in another room where you can’t hear it, or better yet not taking it with you when you go out for short periods. I know some of you will find this scary. What if my elderly mom falls and needs me? What if my husband needs me to pick him up after getting a flat tire during his solo bike ride. I get it. So try at first to find those times when your mom is safe and your husband is not bike riding to embrace those precious hours without being found. You can always build as you go, adding more time. A short walk can become a longer one. It’s all part of training your own mind to look around and really see and feel vs. habitually calling or texting someone to share what is on your mind.

Today, in that pursuit, I  took a walk without my phone for 20 minutes at our Lake Home, telling my husband I’m heading out for a walk. I didn’t tell him I didn’t have my phone, going full in on this experiment. I did start  to feel anxious when unable to share a picture or tell my husband what I learned from a neighbor who it turns out is not selling his home. Then I remembered what my message therapist told me just yesterday. “Pick up a round stone and rub it, like a worry stone, and put your anxiety into the stone”. And it worked. Try it.  You just may find it liberating.

Make a commitment to find your “hide ‘n seek” moments, as you did so many times as a child. Your mental health will thank you. 

75 Lipsticks

The other day when counting all the items I own in every category, yes I have OCD, I was stunned to find out I own 75 lipsticks. 

Why is that?  I only have one upper lip and one lower lip. I don’t need 75 lipsticks, and when I die I’ll still own 40 or so lipsticks which will be tossed as no one wants someone’s used lipsticks. 

I have always admired those with a capsule wardrobe and paired down quality “stuff” who know what they look good in and don’t over buy in any category. In my first job at Simon and Schuster in NYC in 1980 the best dressed employee who was also the Art Director had the least clothes, shoes, jewelry but every day came in put together from head to toe in tailored outfits whereas I changed my look every day looking like a tramp one day in a black mini skirt and a long Soho vibe Vittadini sweater over leggings and boots the next. I had no idea what my “look” really was. Still don’t. 

 We all have more than we need or even want, depending on the category.  What a great exercise it is to count all your clothing by category and see where you over indulge and where you fall short.  For me, lipsticks, tops and shoes, way too many.  Coats, dresses and golf attire, not enough. 

So, I have this mother, to whom I’m the only daughter. She is a certified shopaholic and lives an elevator ride above Boston’s Prudential Mall where she can shop no matter what the weather, and still shops daily at age 93. She’s a compulsive buyer and an equal parts giver. She’s like the chocoholic that lives above a candy store, it’s her therapy. Luckily I am the largest beneficiary, she calls me her Barbie doll. Thus 75 lipsticks, added to 50 scarves, 50 handbags, 50 sweaters, 50 necklaces are in my closet via my mother. When she sees a mark down, she buys it, whether or not she needs/wants it. She always tells me when I ask why she bought this or that, “Need it, no one needs it, I just want it”. 

She knows that when she dies, we will all curse her, as her apartment is filled with more inventory than a Saks Fifth Avenue and MOMA combined.  She tries giving items away every time family visits, but she just restocks, so it never makes a dent. Like water, the inventory rises to the level of her closet space, which is enormous, thanks to all the wall to wall closets she has built. 

I promise my kids and myself I’ll die sitting in a single wooden chair in an empty room, having given away everything ahead of time, without restocking.

BE HERE NOW

Today there is more available to help, inform, distract, or entertain us than ever before.

With an exhaustive list on any subject, we can listen to music by saying “Alexa play top 40 indie songs”, order food with our phones, listen to podcasts, watch UTube videos, and unlike our earlier selves watch live or streaming television over thousands of channels. Books are delivered via Amazon the next day someone recommends a title. And last but not least, we can engage with Social Media and connect virtually to people we know, don’t know, without them ever knowing.

We are told to Be Here Now (Echerd Tolle), Untether our Soul (Michael Singer), Embrace our Worries (Thich Nhat Hanh), and all of this is just what I’ve paid attention to this month. It can be overwhelming and exhausting at times.

So what do we listen to? Who should we pay attention to? Lately I’ve taken to believing that we are our own works in progress, projects we need to manage most efficiently for best outcomes. It’s important to pay attention to what helps us and avoid the pitfalls of leaning into distractions that don’t serve us. Unlike the farmer who works in a prescribed manner from sunrise to sundown, we who don’t work long hours have lots of free time to fill our days with activities that we define. And yes, this blog post presumes you have lots of free time. With this freedom one needs to do the hard work in order to stay on the rails so to speak. If we fail, depression and anxiety sit on the sidelines in wait. Attention must be paid to our own production for we reap what we sow. The noise around us must be managed for best results.

Efforts include how you start your day, like avoiding social media for the first 30 minutes, exercising your body and mind at a prescribed time of day, eating right, sleeping right, drinking less and getting fresh air. It’s akin to having a pet, but we are the pet and the owner. If we are not careful this work can bring us down with its futility, but if we are wise to it, we can embrace the effort with humor and diligence, acknowledging that there are days we fail to get all the elements right.

There is a diet for people who need to be accountable to themselves called, “Bite it Write it”. I’ve taken to writing down in my e-calendar many of the things I do each day, not what I eat, but aspects like exercise, socializing in person if possible and if not by phone/text, learning something, being entertained. These are the major recipe ingredients I need to be a happy sentient being. The accountability brings me satisfaction, like completing a work project each day.

A good day has many things checked off, but an even better day has nothing checked off as I’m in the flow of simply enjoying life without measure, the reward for all my previous efforts.

Sing-ularity to Sleep

I’ve tried everything to fall asleep: baths, conscious breathing, counting sheep, you name it. Mostly I end up counting things like friends I’ve let go or vice versa, guilt for this or that, fear of growing old, ad infinitum.

The fact of the matter is my mind likes to do a big clean sweep of every uncomfortable thought in my head when I hit that pillow of truth. Think of the visual “snowplow” and you’ll understand this bedtime ritual.

 
Patanjali, the great ancient yoga sage calls these thoughts chitta vritti nirodha , or the fluctuations of the mind. Yoga, which I teach for more than 15 years, offers the benefits of removing these monkey brain fluctuations to bring you perspective and calm. But who does yoga when they are trying to go to sleep? 

Recently I’ve come up with a way to fall asleep and it’s been working better than other attempts. 

I marry these three things together to form the perfect triumvirate. 

1. A word (one with meaning for this situation)
2. An action (something designed to promote relaxation) 
3.  A visual (one that mirrors the situation at hand) 

My word is singularity. The word itself prevents multiple thoughts and establishes that I’m only to think of one thing.
The action is breathing inhaling and exhaling  in a slow rhythmic pattern. 
The visual is an oil rig that goes straight down into the Earth and  straight back up, not around in a swoop, so I can’t catch all those whirling dirvish thoughts I usually conjur up.

The key is you must be vigilant. It’s a job that must be done with intent and focus. It takes commitment.

When the other thoughts creep in, and they will, you let them go with an inner smile and kindness toward yourself, or they will wreak havoc.

Try it. Your word, action and visual may be different, but marrying three things together gives you a good chance to settle the chatter in your mind. 

Me People or You People

My cousin Lauren drew this observation while we are on our boat cruising along Lake George:
“There are Me People and There are You People”. It’s that simple.

My mother in law pushed back and said that she thought that was over simplified and that we all have some me and you in us, not just one thing.

But as I’ve pondered this theory over the years, I quite agree with Lauren.

At our deep dark down roots we are either me people or you people, even if we exhibit the opposite traits and behaviors when it serves us.

One way to know which one you are is to witness how you act with others and yourself when times are tough.

Check out how you act when you are forced to be late, hungry or standing in a line that’s not moving. Observe yourself when you feel wronged, not put first, ignored.

Are you mostly rooting and acting for yourself or do you consider others who may be similarly compromised at that same moment?

Another way to test your true nature is to recreate an “evening out” after it’s over. Who talked more, you or the other person?  What was the person you met wearing, or do you only remember what you wore? Do you have trouble even remembering people’s names. These are symptoms of a “type”.

Your true nature will show up throughout the day, weeks, months throughout your life, and that cannot be changed.

So which are you? A me person or a you person.

Make Friends with Being Disliked

It’s easy to learn how to be liked. I’ve done it successfully all my life. It feels so gratifying and we even become addicted to being “liked”. Just look at Facebook and Instagram if you don’t believe how deep this concept runs with humanity. 

But what many of us are no damn good at is being disliked. Accepting that not being liked by everyone is a necessary part of life. Accepting that even if you are not liked, or do something unpopular, you can still like and even love yourself.

Stick your neck out and some times others will dislike you. They may  get angry at you. They will be hurt when you reject their friendship. Your opinions on a subject may cause them to shut you out.  It has to happen; it’s inevitable. 

Everyone can’t like you all the time.

But when you feel things too deeply these emotions may wind up causing you to feel  angry at yourself, ashamed, sad, anxious, embarrassed, defensive. 

So like any other muscle, the muscle for accepting a painful emotion should be flexed and then strengthened. 

Easy as it is to love yourself when someone loves you back, it’s critical to love yourself when someone else does not. You are not bad, crazy or sick because you’ve given someone a reason to not like you any more.

Your loving feelings for yourself are not for sale like a treasury bond, which goes up and down each day.

Keep your love boat steady because self love is non negotiable.

 

Self Talk

The language we tell ourselves, our self talk, can influence our thoughts up and down. I’ve studied the “self critic” literature , done some exercises with them on my own and with organized groups.  They work. If you believe you are bad you will feel bad. If you believe you are good despite your confused thoughts you will feel good. It’s really quite simple.

Here are some of the examples I am willing to share where my self talk turned some dark thoughts into happier ones.

 

self talk in the negative

I’m just a part time yoga teacher, that’s all I do for a job or purpose. I gave up on my old marketing career and do none of that any more.

best self talk (with aid of Social Worker Barb Wasserman)

Yoga is my sweet spot. It satisfies my need for mental and physical health at all times and I get to bring what I learn to those I care about when it suits me. It’s the perfect solution to what Beth should do.

self talk in the negative

I’m always looking for a better house, better view, pool, water, more awesome home even though mine is perfect size with gorgeous decor in the best location. Am I just always thinking the grass is greener on the other side and can’t just be happy with what I have?

best self talk (created by me, most likely in the shower) 

I am ASPIRATIONAL. I like to aspire to something better, more exciting, different. It’s ok, in fact it is GOOD. It keeps me curious about others and life itself. Embrace it with a smile and know that you will only move if it makes sense.

Tabula Rasa

Every day we start out more or less an empty slate or tabula rasa.

Why I say more or less is that although we have our intelligence from the past we forget more than we remember.

Our new intelligence comes from sources outside ourselves:

the people we talk to and more importantly listen to (my husband, neighbors, yoga teachers,  walking buddies, friends and family)
the books and articles we read
the shows we watch, especially our news
the people who work for us and with us in every capacity from mowing our lawn and cleaning our house to choosing our investments.

If I’m smart, which I think I am, more or less, I owe it to the choices I make.

Escapism

Some folks play “words with friends” for hours each day, some play video games, all to escape. Filling time with fantasy, escapism, voyeurism is part of many people’s daily life.

I look at real estate on line.

I live the fantasy that:
l. life is better there, wherever there is
2. I will have big parties there under tents by the water
3. My kids will come back
4. I will look younger and thinner by the pool
5. I will be happier all the time

That’s the seduction. That’s the set up. That’s my escape.